On The Twelve Days of Christmas,
My true love gave to me...

12 Ladies dancing...
      But my wife made me get rid of them.

11 Lords a leaping...
      They weren’t very useful, so I traded them in for a Ford Pinto

10 Pipers piping...
      A full army of plumbers

9 Drummers drumming...
      Out of nine you would think that at least one of them could keep a beat.

8 Maids a milking...
      My wife appreciates the extra help around the house

7 Swans a swimming...
      And boy were they delicious!!!

6 Geese a laying...
      I think I liked the swans better

5 Gold rings...
      But when I had them appraised they turned out to only be gold platted!!!

4 Calling birds...
       I'll never have to answer a phone again.

3 French hens...  
      Fried chicken anybody?

2 Turtle Doves...
     I'm starting my own little freak show.

And a partridge in a pear tree...
    Too bad it's not house trained!!!